Bring the Joy

Ya’ll it has been a crazy summer. I use the word “summer” loosely of course, as we barely had a summer. Yes – I am one of the many complaining about the weather and the seasons. My tan already started fading! What is THAT about? Regardless… the hay is ALMOST done. We made it. Sure there were a few hospital trips in between. A few tears. A few breakdowns (mechanical and bodily). But… we are teasingly close to being done and it will be nice to transition into the fall.
I have so many pictures that I fully intend on putting up here, but that will take some time, so I’ll get there – I swear. I’m avoiding trying to turn on the camera that I dropped into the Susquehanna…

Job front? Exactly the same. But you know… I’m staying positive, staying flexible, remaining open and following my gut/God. Are you all convinced? Because I mean this about 95% and the other 5% is knowing the more I put this out there, the more likely I am to believe it. It’s hard, but at the end of the day – I can’t complain. Somehow, every month, whether I have $5 or $50 left, I’m making it.

Being so flexible means of course that I get to spend so much time with the boys! Brooks wakes up from naps and I get to hear “Ti-Ti I’m upppp” through the monitor, Blane reminds me daily that he is growing up because he has to and I need to be okay with that. If I had a 9-5 I would miss these wonderful moments. I have time to be there for my friends. All good things. It also means I have more time to volunteer. Which I actually moved from my cone of shyness to do! There was a Kids Karnival at church and even though kids aren’t my favorite population ever - it was an amazing day and I got to spend time with a ton of amazing people… and how do you complain about being able to do that? One of the best weekends ever. A definite "Dear Diary" moment.   


Here's a throwback to a list of my favorite things right now:

1.    Sundays.
2.    My hammock.
3.    Ice cream – because I only have a week or so left of it being so readily available.
4.    My beach candle that’s keeping summer alive for me.
5.    Snapchat. Because a picture is worth a thousand words and my friends don’t need to say anything at all.
6.    Opening a new chapstick


Social-life-wise I am dangerously close to losing the only friend I have here. I hit Lindey’s planter the other day in her driveway. Literally never hit anything with my car before. Ever. (Okay, fine - minus that guy in Boston who STOPPED at a rotary… really, dude?) Anyways instead of getting out of my car and apologizing like a normal human - I started laughing so hard I fell on her lawn until she came out, also laughing hysterically. It took me about 5-8 minutes to gather myself enough to pick it up and find all the pieces, put the light back together and put her sign back up. Not to mention the fact that earlier in the night her 1 year old daughter shushed me and turned my chair to face a wall. In my defense though, crazier things have happened while we’ve been together. I can’t remember the last time I laughed that hard.

While I’m airing Meg's Brightest Moments… I was also cleaning out my car the other day. So… you know how people hoard ketchup in their cars? Or straws or napkins? Or something that makes sense like that? Who wants to go through a drive thru and not have enough ketchup? Or NOT be able to drink their drink because someone was having a bad day and forgot your straw? Well… I don’t have any of those things in my car. I have cheese. Yes. You read that correctly. I stockpile large amounts of cheese in my car. Have I found myself in a cheese emergency before? Yes. Have any of these cheese containers come in handy? No. I’m sure you’re all thinking “but Meg… cheese doesn’t keep unless it’s refrigerated and it’s been summer…” Yes – you’re right. Cheese does NOT KEEP IN THE SUMMERTIME IN CARS. I guess now wouldn’t be a believable time to convince you all of what a neat-freak, OCD organizational force I am. SO that happened…

So probably a stranger on the street could tell you all how much I love my house. How hard I have worked on it. How much joy I’ve found in having my own space and decorating and making something “mine”. It’s almost all I’ve talked about for over a year. Well… you’ll all be just as shocked to know I’m currently considering moving to a cheaper/smaller place. Here’s the scoop:
A few months ago Jesus asked me to give one of my favorite purses away. (Yes – I know how that sounds. Gimme a minute). Okay, I hate the word purse, but “bag” doesn’t do it justice. Now most of you know I’m not SUPER girly or into girlish things, but I’ve been getting there and bought a some-what expensive Miche bag before I left Boston that I loved. I used it ALL THE TIME. It was the first grown-up bag I’ve ever bought and for some reason I was attached to it from the moment the lady showed it to me. A few months ago a woman from my childhood church, who is like a wonderful 3rd grandmother to me was telling me how awful/torn/small her purse was. I went to her house and saw a really ragged, small jean purse that looked like one I had from a yardsale when I was about 10. I felt then I should empty mine out right there and give it to her, but I resisted and just listened to her and left that day. For about 2 weeks that’s all I heard in the back of my head was “give her your purse, Meg”. I was like “No! I love that purse! She doesn’t even know what Miche is! She doesn’t care which bag she has, I’ll give her one of my other ones that I’m not using.” So I talked to mom about it. (If you’re wondering if my mother really is MY mother here’s your answer) She said “What?! She doesn’t know what a Miche is! That was expensive.” Exactly. But it was relentless. That voice. Of course I know, money is material and has zero comparison to someone’s happiness or appreciation for something. So I emptied out my bag, gathered 3 or 4 more and asked my mom to bring them to her and let her pick which one she wanted. I think you all know where this is going… she picked the Miche. Now I know it doesn’t seem like much, that I gave that away, (I'm not looking for a pat on the back) and don’t get me wrong, she loves it and I’m SO glad I did - but I think I was being prepared at that point, to let go of a lot of material things that I was clinging on to, to prove that my happiness and pride and joy was not found in my bag, my Office-Max style office, or even my house… So yes the bag was a small thing to let go of, but little did I know, it WAS preparing me to possibly be ready to leave this house that I have worked so hard on and grown to love and move on to another place because… I bring the joy with me. If I don’t end up needing to move, it’s still such an important lesson to free yourself from the attachment of things. I will make wherever I am and whatever I have beautiful. 


I’m already LOVING down-sizing my crud. Simplifying. Centering on those important intangible things. So stay tuned here. Guaranteed good things are coming.

I pray you all find an unshakeable joy within yourselves.

XO

So What...

You guys - so I haven't been writing... OBVI. And - it's starting to get repetitive and redundant for me to apologize for delaying and crap and pretending everyone notices. So - I'm basically going to write when I actually have some ish to say and some time to say it. If that means there are months in between, then it basically means I'm being SUPER boring and am trying not to waste your time with my day to day blah-ness. (You're welcome). As it turns out... I blogged more when I had a full time job AND went to school full time. What that says about me? Ummm probably that I will do ANYTHING if it means procrastinating from work - so I started a blog. Now that I actually like my days and don't have anything to procrastinate from... notsomuch. 

I started writing this next blog entry (since my last one) like 14 times. I keep starting them and erasing them. Basically nothing has changed since my last entry. Except, everyday I switched from being positive and optimistic and funny to wanting to kick a stranger in the shin for looking at me like "I know you don't have a 'real' job because you're here in the middle day." Then I wanted to say "Dude! YOU'RE here in the middle of the day. What are you doing Mr. Judgy. You don't know me!" Then I was all he's holding the door for you Meg, calm down psycho. So see?! You're welcome. No one wants to read that emo crap. Wow - I digressed a lot.

Anywhoodle - I figured, how many times could I possibly update you on my joblessness? I mean - that's not interesting nor is it fun to type or talk about daily. Buttttt I'm here, because while I was just laying on my hammock outside, during this beautiful night, listening to peepers and staring at my twinkle lights that surround my porch, like a gloriously interesting and poetic character from a novel, I had a revelation. Are you ready for this? (I hope I didn't set myself up to much with all that precursor stuff. Some of you may be disappointed. You can just stop reading now. Or you can finish reading and be all "ummm DUH! I could've told her that". But if you think that - please don't leave it in the comments, because, well... that's not nice - and I'm on a roll so don't interrupt).

Okay. Here it is: I need to shut the eff up, put on my grateful pants, my rose glasses and my thank-you sandals and appreciate the hell out of my life right now. I was laying in my hammock talking to The Big Guy about what he's up to and when he was thinking of telling me what I should be up to, and I realized - I just had the GREATEST day. I had a day that if you had asked me over a year ago to describe my perfect day it would pretty much be today and yesterday and the day before that. Here's a list of awesome things that I have been missing:

• That I get to wear jeans EVERY. DAY.
• I don't sit at a desk all day.
• I get to see my nephews so much that I don't notice them growing daily. (That's a lot).
• I get to drive around for 3 hours with mom and dad looking for the perfect filet to cook on Mother's Day.
• That I get to spend days shopping with Shauna (which mostly consists of using the bathroom in Walmart).
• That I get to watch mom attempt to get through a day working outside without hurting herself... or me.
• That I get to be around to watch Lindey be a mother and a wife - (which is crazy because it seems like yesterday that we were exchanging clothes for high school dances and running through sprinklers during work). (Dad - if you're reading this, I meant AFTER work. AFTER.)
• That I got to spend 3 hours with people from church today who are basically like another set of grandparents. (Let's be real - they won't be around forever and I'm grateful for any extra memories).
• That I have a wonderful, yet quirky family unit in Boston that misses me and keeps in touch with me and makes me feel like I'm still connected to them through the miles.
• That I have a lawn to mow and a house to work on.  
•  And here is some more awesomeness in picture form:

 

 

   


...That's a lot and that's only off the top of my head. So what if I can't find a job right now? Maybe once I let go of this insane need to find a society-approved job and insurance plan and embrace this wonderful life that, yes I partially asked for, but couldn't be more peaceful and great, maybe then... I'll find something great that relieves my anxiety of monthly bills. But until then? So what if I have to tell people daily that I don't work somewhere in dress pants from 9-5. So what if people won't hire me because I'm over-qualified. To them I say this:

If all of this doesn't outweigh the anxiety I feel on the first of the month and when approached by someone asking if "I've found a real job yet" - then my head is a lot further up my rear than I ever thought. 

Sure - I live near a parking lot full of like 30 cats that are just waiting for me to hit my spinster status. Sure - some of the guys here think a gas station is an appropriate place to find your soulmate. Sure - the college kids next door keep me up past 8:30pm. But I truly believe in 10 years, I will look back on these last 8 months and next few (at least) and be so grateful for these memories that it far outweights all of the things I can find to stress out about.


So I'm basically writing to brag about my life. I hope that's not as annoying as it seems. I have a pretty great life and it's about to get even greater with summer coming. Tans, bon fires, water, fireworks, more hammock time. I know not everyone is as lucky as I am. I just hope they take small steps everyday to come to a place where they can sit somewhere and realize they had one of the greatest days ever. Not because some huge event happened, but because a bunch of the smallest of things made them feel peaceful and happy all. day. long.

Are all of you choking on warmth and positivity now? If so - mission accomplished.

I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes and a thank you for caring enough to click on this crap and read a really strange diary of the past few years of my life.

XO.

Lessons in Detouring

Have you missed me?! That’s rhetorical. OF COURSE ya’ll missed me.

I know it’s been quite the hiatus – and there’s a ton to catch up on so find a comfy chair folks.

I guess I have been waiting to write until I had something super impressive and successful to share. To tie a bow on my grand return home and wrap everything up with a “and everything turned out the way it was meant to. I’m on the right path. I work at blah blah blah and love my job and…” yeah. Things haven’t exactly turned out that way. But a wonderful friend reminded me that sometimes, these little “detours” ARE the path. So this post, my friends, is about my detour – that is shaping up to be quite the scenic footpath on my way to who knows where…

Even though I know my fan-base (hahaha I called all four of you fans) consists of the least judgmental people on the planet – I guess I was the reason I didn’t write until now. I couldn’t decide whether to be raw and honest and explain how hard it’s been moving back or wait until I was on the other side and be sun-shiney and optimistic. Segue with me quickly…

Hayley or more affectionately, the right side of my brain - recently wrote an amazing post on sharing. I like to think there are certain things we are called to share – at an exact moment, to an exact person or audience. Then there our times when our struggle, story, issue is just ours; times when it’s important to gain strength from working it out with just you and the Big Guy. Then there are times when we just need a friend or the right combination of a few friends. There is a bravery that comes with both sharing and keeping.

That said – the past few months have been action-packed. So much going on – mostly unplanned and I’m learning (the way I do, very slowly) to go with the flow and appreciate the value in the moments instead of worrying about other things.

I’m going to try to be organized and not ramble (haha – fat chance. Bear with me.)

My house: My beautiful, wonderful house. It’s come SO far! It’s really starting to come together and although it still doesn’t quite feel like home – it’s getting there and I’m loving it. I finally hung decorations with the help of mom and dad. The cabinets are half done and up and even though they look horrible – the colors match. So that is the end of that. Almost all my stuff is put away. I still have that one box full of miscellaneous crap that I keep looking at and wondering where the heck I put it all these years. Since taking my decorations down for Christmas, I’ve kept up some lights because I LOVE lights and… it’s my house so I’m going to do what I want. I can’t wait for spring and summer when I can use the porch more and hang my hammock and read out there (gosh I hope I make time to do that). I also have the entire upstairs to do – but for now everything is put together in its own way and I’m really happy with it. It’s weird to love a building this much – but I do. SO MUCH.

The boys: The struggles being what they are in being back and transitioning… has been worth every second to be around my nephews more. I love being able to watch them grown up and learn things and play with them and listen to them.

Blane learns fast and is into repeating things (sincere note to self to watch my big mouth) and is asking a ton of questions and is absolutely fascinating. Among the one-liners he feeds me daily he has questioned why I don’t have a baby (completely legitimate considering the culture here) which was hard to answer to a 3 year old. We’ve had our first fight – in which we both cried (way to stay strong Tia…) seriously. We’ve had our first “date” playing trains outside (which I’m sure he’ll be horrified about later). But nothing compares to him seeing me and screaming “TIAAA”. Warms my ticker… A LOT.

Brooks is going to be SO complex. I love that you can see that already in him. He already has complicated feelings and I love that about him. He’s learning quite a few words: mama, dada, santa, ball, ba-ba, kitty… we’re working on Tia… sometimes it comes out Ti-Ti which I’ll take. If you ask him where Jesus is he looks at the light and waves. It’s freaky but beautiful. He smiles A LOT and loves to laugh and mimic people and play keep away with his food. He LOVES playing with balls so hopefully he’ll be really athletic, but I’m 99% sure he’s a lefty. I can work with that I think. He’s constantly interacting with and talking to “people” in rooms. And by “people” I mean – people that we cannot see… it’s kind of incredible. I just tell him to tell whoever it is “Hi” for me and he does. He loves dancing with me and me singing him to sleep. It’s kind of our thing. Not to brag. Seriously though – this kid rocks.

Job/Career/Work: Ahhh the dreaded topic. Which is funny because I’m the only one who dreads it. I get defensive and really… there is nothing to be defensive about. Since October I’ve been “consulting” for Shauna’s daycare. I actually have loved it. (The business side, not so much on the actual kid-interaction part but I’m getting there. Seriously – I can only have SO many repetitive conversations about what my name is, what I’m doing and complimenting your shirt and shoes). So far I’ve connected her to social media, started her website, (if you're dying of curiosity: www.bbeginnings2011.com but please be kind... it's my first website) maintained it and re-done a lot of forms and procedures and am really excited about it. It’s been a lot of fun. Eventually I’ll be running out of work here and am really hoping some things are in the works for me to help a couple other people with their businesses. All in due time I guess.

I’ve also been working at my parents’. Part time inside helping mom rearrange the house, organize and do other projects. Then part time outside helping dad pull up trees, work on equipment and do farm-ish things. I love this part too and even though I beat myself up that I’m “going to work for my parents” (which I’m not really sure how it got a negative connotation or why I maintain that connotation) I really love it. I love being outside I love fixing things and learning mechanical things and having the animals around.

So I’m sure at this point you’re all confused. “So wait – if you love everything you’re doing and you’re happy what’s your problem?” Yeah – I get it people. I never said it made sense – but I just envisioned myself in a ‘respectable’, somewhat 9-5 career with benefits or insurance or something. I thought when I heard God whisper "Hey Meg - you're going to move back to PA, I have stuff for you to do" that I knew exactly where He was going with it and that He had the perfect job awaiting me... so I'm pretty sure our signals got crossed (AKA His plans are bigger/better than mine - duh). So - it’s not that I’m not looking – I am and continue to, but I basically know exactly what I want to do and the population I want to work with (which is an improvement, believe me). When it is supposed to happen I’m sure it will happen. I'm also open to other options or other businesses needing a consultant and continuing this. For now, though, I seem to be making it somehow month to month and that is how I know I’m on the right detour/path. I love doing something different everyday and being surrounded by family and learning and.. well… wearing jeans and boots everyday (although, insert pride here, Hayl – I MISS heel-wearing opportunities).

I also miss my family in Boston. Although I get to visit often (not often enough), when I start to miss them a lot I try to think to myself how blessed I am to have a family to miss. How many people get practically two families who love them and miss them and support them? Not many people – but I know how lucky I am and a 6 hour drive is a small price to pay for this gift.

So… I’m learning to forgive myself for not fitting into a cookie cutter that I made myself (yeah – the irony is not lost on me). I’m learning to just “be”. I’m taking time to enjoy this time in my life where I get to do what I want, when most people never do. I’m learning to trust His timing and I’m learning to ask Him for exactly what I want.

I’m also learning to freaking chill. Apparently in Boston I had very few instincts to fight/assault someone or get defensive or assume someone was going to attack me. I think having grown up in PA and then moving, it just never occurred to me not to trust people or to wave at them. Welllll 7 years later – Boston musta seeped in. There have been VERY few times I have gone to my door here WITHOUT a bat or a knife. Like – am I serious? It’s Mansfield PA! One time it was my adorable neighbors returning a package that was mis-delivered. The other time it was people getting out of bible study… and I’m like… packing heat and asking for a fight. I wonder how many years of being back it will take for me to return to my assuming everyone has cookies for me and just wants to ask about my day.

So what’s next? Staying healthy, meeting new people and continue looking for new opportunities. Having recently found a new church that I LOVE I’m hoping these things will continue falling into place as they have thus far in my life. Where’s my trust, man?

January 26^th I’m starting a juice cleanse/fast (thank you Hayl for making me watch that scary documentary). It’s 10 days and I’m PRAYING I make it, but I’m confident and excited. Although I am not looking forward to the first 48 hours. Imagine your body detoxing after feeding it what I have fed MY body for 25 years. You’d be scared too. TMI?

Okay, I am going to try hard not to take such a long hiatus again… I mean – you poor things! What have you been doing with your down time without reading these little golden nuggets? 

In all seriousness - I hope 2013 brings all of you an inner peace that resists the judgment of the world and/or - of yourselves.

xo

Here Goes...

Okay here it goes: THE post. The resignation, the next step in life, the moving on post. As I’m writing it I still haven’t decided if this is going to make you laugh, cry or… laugh UNTIL you cry. Maybe this will just make me cry as I type it. Who knows, but here goes:

As of October 1, 2012 I will once again be a resident of middle-of-nowhere, PA. Wow – it’s even funny typing it. Most of you reading this know the intense (to say the least) journey that it has been getting to this point. Obviously with Graduation comes that point where you begin to close another chapter, look for a new beginning, start asking the hard questions and start answering the even harder ones.

What does one do with their Masters? I am still in the middle of answering that one- Who knows. But the journey getting it was greater than the title that it gets – and that is what I will remember. That is what stays with me every day and what I actually use in my everyday life. The things I learned while I was learning… if that makes any sense. So do I use my Masters? Yes. Every day. So am I looking for it to get me a higher pay grade or a certain upper level job? Not necessarily. Annnndd I’m digressing – but this gives you a good idea about my thought process as I was graduating and mulling over “next steps”. The “what is expected of me” versus what I expected of myself.

So I started the difficult conversation with myself about what my priorities were at this point in my life. I had already spent 7 years creating WONDERFUL friendships, relationships, memories and acquiring invaluable skills in a field I never pictured myself in. I love helping people and for those 7 years I got to help students. I wouldn’t change anything for the world, but this isn’t my passion. I don’t love what I do and I wanted to be able to say that.

I began applying for jobs. All jobs. Any jobs. After getting 3 interviews – I realized… I didn’t want any of them. I didn’t want to settle for another desk job or job in general that I didn’t enjoy or sign myself up for the obligation to a company for another couple years while I made big decisions or waited for a perfect opportunity to sit at my door. For the first time I wanted a little instability, a little space, a little… less planning and a little more flexibility. (Did any of you just fall on the floor? I’m not being held hostage… it’s really still me writing. Yup. The control freak. Still here.)

I wanted to make my own schedule, try a million things, meet a million different people and do it near the half of my family that I have been furthest away from for 7 years. My housing situation sort of fell into place with a slight push and nudge from Dad, a little bit of security fell into place with an offer from Shauna… and… here we are. Oh yeah and there’s the fact that I consulted the Big Guy and He’s WAY on board. I felt the same thing 7 years ago, the last time He told me to move and I heard Him again and knew the familiar feeling of being told exactly what to do. It’s funny to think back to when I first moved here. Knowing no one, knowing nothing, I’ve come so far and would have never guessed that things would turn out as wonderfully as they have. I never imagined moving here would be SO impactful and change me so much. Thinking back is what makes me excited for all of the potential that lies ahead.

Moving on… my decision was made and it was time to start telling the people that I’ve called my family for so long, that I was moving closer to my other family. Of course it was met with mixed emotions… all out of the goodness of the hearts that I have grown so fond of. A day hasn’t gone by (since the big declaration) that I wasn’t met with a supportive hug, excited smile or loving check-in about “how things are going”.

Wednesday I gave my notice that my last day at work would be 9/28/12. Since then everyone has been so lovely, excited for me, proud of me, wishing I would stay but knowing I can’t… it’s so touching to have so many people just… care.

Things are starting to sink in. All of the emotions. And I do mean all of them. I feel like a crazy-person.

I’m SO excited:

To re-connect with “old” friends – that I left years ago. To be able to watch all the new kiddos grow up and do activities – that I can go to with my bells on and face painted. To be closer to mom and dad (I would say not too close but I’m pretty much in Dad’s work parking lot and you CAN’T get closer than that. I think he’s REALLY excited about that part.) To live alone for the first time ever. To NOT sit in hours of traffic every day. To enjoy the views. To plan my own days and schedule and be flexible. To see what’s waiting for me…

I’m SO sad:

To be leaving this part of my family. To not see them every day like I can now. To end an era of memories. To say goodbye to SO many people to changed my life and helped me become the person I am. Even casual co-workers who I can count on to brighten my day. To leave the water and the beautiful work view. To leave the security of a job I hate. (Yeah that’s sarcasm but still… security is security people!)

*OF COURSE it goes without saying that it’s only 6 hours away and an easy drive. I will come back and forth all the time, I expect MANY, MANY visitors… it will all be well. I know that.

I’m SO nervous:

I’ve never flown by the seat of my pants like this before. I’ve never moved without having a job. I’ve never lived alone. There are so many unknowns.

But I’m not the same person I was when I left and I know I wouldn’t be who I am had I stayed. I will NOT cheese-line you all with the “everything happens for a reason” phrase. Oh wait… J

This has been one of the craziest summers ever. The weddings, births, transitions. But somehow I’ve found a way to work at the new house and get enough done that it is as ready as it will be to move in. I had a BLAST at Soupy’s wedding, spent time with Lindey’s new piece of perfection – Hallie, and continued to plan/prep for Hayley’s wedding (which IS SO FRIGGIN close that it’s a little scary). All of these distractions have helped me avoid the inevitable goodbye-for-nows that need to happen. Oh yes, procrastinating is in full effect… ahhh the familiarity-

So here goes. Here goes taking the advice that most people give and few people take. Here goes the beginning of a journey with more questions than answers. Here goes strengthening the relationships I’m leaving in Boston by providing distance for more love and support to grow. Here goes.

I’m sure you thought I would be wrapping this up with a good ole happy ending or a big grand finale of success. But this is being written right before I turn down the road. Who knows how it will turn out or if another turn or bend in the road will present itself, but for now, at this point in my journey, my windows are down because my A/C is still broken, the wind is blowing my bangs in my face as I’m spitting them out of my mouth, my music is blaring and people are staring... and I’m REALLY looking forward to parking my car in Mansfield, PA for the next few years and seeing what happens.