Chaos I Call My FaRmily: January 2013

I'm an aunt, daughter, sister, friend, believer, etc. There is a long list of words that make me giggle. I believe in having ice cream for dinner, making strangers smile and finding magic in the smallest of moments. Let's face it, if you found your way here, you probably already know me... I have nothing significant to offer the blogosphere, so this is my online diary so when I'm insane one day and lost all my real diaries that I started a million times and never finished - I have this.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Lessons in Detouring

Have you missed me?! That’s rhetorical. OF COURSE ya’ll missed me.

I know it’s been quite the hiatus – and there’s a ton to catch up on so find a comfy chair folks.

I guess I have been waiting to write until I had something super impressive and successful to share. To tie a bow on my grand return home and wrap everything up with a “and everything turned out the way it was meant to. I’m on the right path. I work at blah blah blah and love my job and…” yeah. Things haven’t exactly turned out that way. But a wonderful friend reminded me that sometimes, these little “detours” ARE the path. So this post, my friends, is about my detour – that is shaping up to be quite the scenic footpath on my way to who knows where…

Even though I know my fan-base (hahaha I called all four of you fans) consists of the least judgmental people on the planet – I guess I was the reason I didn’t write until now. I couldn’t decide whether to be raw and honest and explain how hard it’s been moving back or wait until I was on the other side and be sun-shiney and optimistic. Segue with me quickly…

Hayley or more affectionately, the right side of my brain - recently wrote an amazing post on sharing. I like to think there are certain things we are called to share – at an exact moment, to an exact person or audience. Then there our times when our struggle, story, issue is just ours; times when it’s important to gain strength from working it out with just you and the Big Guy. Then there are times when we just need a friend or the right combination of a few friends. There is a bravery that comes with both sharing and keeping.

That said – the past few months have been action-packed. So much going on – mostly unplanned and I’m learning (the way I do, very slowly) to go with the flow and appreciate the value in the moments instead of worrying about other things.

I’m going to try to be organized and not ramble (haha – fat chance. Bear with me.)

My house: My beautiful, wonderful house. It’s come SO far! It’s really starting to come together and although it still doesn’t quite feel like home – it’s getting there and I’m loving it. I finally hung decorations with the help of mom and dad. The cabinets are half done and up and even though they look horrible – the colors match. So that is the end of that. Almost all my stuff is put away. I still have that one box full of miscellaneous crap that I keep looking at and wondering where the heck I put it all these years. Since taking my decorations down for Christmas, I’ve kept up some lights because I LOVE lights and… it’s my house so I’m going to do what I want. I can’t wait for spring and summer when I can use the porch more and hang my hammock and read out there (gosh I hope I make time to do that). I also have the entire upstairs to do – but for now everything is put together in its own way and I’m really happy with it. It’s weird to love a building this much – but I do. SO MUCH.

The boys: The struggles being what they are in being back and transitioning… has been worth every second to be around my nephews more. I love being able to watch them grown up and learn things and play with them and listen to them.

Blane learns fast and is into repeating things (sincere note to self to watch my big mouth) and is asking a ton of questions and is absolutely fascinating. Among the one-liners he feeds me daily he has questioned why I don’t have a baby (completely legitimate considering the culture here) which was hard to answer to a 3 year old. We’ve had our first fight – in which we both cried (way to stay strong Tia…) seriously. We’ve had our first “date” playing trains outside (which I’m sure he’ll be horrified about later). But nothing compares to him seeing me and screaming “TIAAA”. Warms my ticker… A LOT.

Brooks is going to be SO complex. I love that you can see that already in him. He already has complicated feelings and I love that about him. He’s learning quite a few words: mama, dada, santa, ball, ba-ba, kitty… we’re working on Tia… sometimes it comes out Ti-Ti which I’ll take. If you ask him where Jesus is he looks at the light and waves. It’s freaky but beautiful. He smiles A LOT and loves to laugh and mimic people and play keep away with his food. He LOVES playing with balls so hopefully he’ll be really athletic, but I’m 99% sure he’s a lefty. I can work with that I think. He’s constantly interacting with and talking to “people” in rooms. And by “people” I mean – people that we cannot see… it’s kind of incredible. I just tell him to tell whoever it is “Hi” for me and he does. He loves dancing with me and me singing him to sleep. It’s kind of our thing. Not to brag. Seriously though – this kid rocks.

Job/Career/Work: Ahhh the dreaded topic. Which is funny because I’m the only one who dreads it. I get defensive and really… there is nothing to be defensive about. Since October I’ve been “consulting” for Shauna’s daycare. I actually have loved it. (The business side, not so much on the actual kid-interaction part but I’m getting there. Seriously – I can only have SO many repetitive conversations about what my name is, what I’m doing and complimenting your shirt and shoes). So far I’ve connected her to social media, started her website, (if you're dying of curiosity: www.bbeginnings2011.com but please be kind... it's my first website) maintained it and re-done a lot of forms and procedures and am really excited about it. It’s been a lot of fun. Eventually I’ll be running out of work here and am really hoping some things are in the works for me to help a couple other people with their businesses. All in due time I guess.

I’ve also been working at my parents’. Part time inside helping mom rearrange the house, organize and do other projects. Then part time outside helping dad pull up trees, work on equipment and do farm-ish things. I love this part too and even though I beat myself up that I’m “going to work for my parents” (which I’m not really sure how it got a negative connotation or why I maintain that connotation) I really love it. I love being outside I love fixing things and learning mechanical things and having the animals around.

So I’m sure at this point you’re all confused. “So wait – if you love everything you’re doing and you’re happy what’s your problem?” Yeah – I get it people. I never said it made sense – but I just envisioned myself in a ‘respectable’, somewhat 9-5 career with benefits or insurance or something. I thought when I heard God whisper "Hey Meg - you're going to move back to PA, I have stuff for you to do" that I knew exactly where He was going with it and that He had the perfect job awaiting me... so I'm pretty sure our signals got crossed (AKA His plans are bigger/better than mine - duh). So - it’s not that I’m not looking – I am and continue to, but I basically know exactly what I want to do and the population I want to work with (which is an improvement, believe me). When it is supposed to happen I’m sure it will happen. I'm also open to other options or other businesses needing a consultant and continuing this. For now, though, I seem to be making it somehow month to month and that is how I know I’m on the right detour/path. I love doing something different everyday and being surrounded by family and learning and.. well… wearing jeans and boots everyday (although, insert pride here, Hayl – I MISS heel-wearing opportunities).

I also miss my family in Boston. Although I get to visit often (not often enough), when I start to miss them a lot I try to think to myself how blessed I am to have a family to miss. How many people get practically two families who love them and miss them and support them? Not many people – but I know how lucky I am and a 6 hour drive is a small price to pay for this gift.

So… I’m learning to forgive myself for not fitting into a cookie cutter that I made myself (yeah – the irony is not lost on me). I’m learning to just “be”. I’m taking time to enjoy this time in my life where I get to do what I want, when most people never do. I’m learning to trust His timing and I’m learning to ask Him for exactly what I want.

I’m also learning to freaking chill. Apparently in Boston I had very few instincts to fight/assault someone or get defensive or assume someone was going to attack me. I think having grown up in PA and then moving, it just never occurred to me not to trust people or to wave at them. Welllll 7 years later – Boston musta seeped in. There have been VERY few times I have gone to my door here WITHOUT a bat or a knife. Like – am I serious? It’s Mansfield PA! One time it was my adorable neighbors returning a package that was mis-delivered. The other time it was people getting out of bible study… and I’m like… packing heat and asking for a fight. I wonder how many years of being back it will take for me to return to my assuming everyone has cookies for me and just wants to ask about my day.

So what’s next? Staying healthy, meeting new people and continue looking for new opportunities. Having recently found a new church that I LOVE I’m hoping these things will continue falling into place as they have thus far in my life. Where’s my trust, man?

January 26^th I’m starting a juice cleanse/fast (thank you Hayl for making me watch that scary documentary). It’s 10 days and I’m PRAYING I make it, but I’m confident and excited. Although I am not looking forward to the first 48 hours. Imagine your body detoxing after feeding it what I have fed MY body for 25 years. You’d be scared too. TMI?

Okay, I am going to try hard not to take such a long hiatus again… I mean – you poor things! What have you been doing with your down time without reading these little golden nuggets?

In all seriousness - I hope 2013 brings all of you an inner peace that resists the judgment of the world and/or - of yourselves.

Meet The Fam

Mom- The strongest woman I know. I attribute my humor, sarcasm and momentary lapses of sensitivity to her. My neurotic organization and timeliness could also be traced back to her, easily. I keep telling her I will make a shirt that says “only my Mother gets me”… She not only has the ability to laugh at herself, but the suspense of what may come out of her mouth next is completely worth every minute you spend with her. Every day I aspire to be as selfless as she and hope to have the same energy that she has every day! The time we spend together is rarely productive, but most often taken up by running to the bathroom with tears of laughter streaming down our faces. Or… spitting things out of our mouths- which dad loves.

Dad- The person I most often, unintentionally mirror. So many ways to explain him, but none more effective than: a Portuguese, work-a-holic, addicted to caffeine and nicotine, impressed by callouses and blood, who doesn’t know what it feels like to sit down, be bored or not know something. The man carries the most random, seemingly useless, facts and knowledge around with him. I joke that there won’t be much more room left in there if he keeps memorizing what I call “trivial” and he calls “necessary” facts about life and the world. Although he IS very handy when converting units for recipes, etc. He, too, is able to laugh at himself and always finds time to teach a good lesson. His wilderness skills are something to be admired, although his instinct to seek medical attention should not. He prides himself on still being able to run faster than me and beat me up, regardless of my age or weight. I’m still waiting for the day he isn’t expecting me…

Shauna- The milk man’s delivery, as I like to call her- Like every abnormal family, sibling rivalry was at its finest until we both traded in our stone-washed flared jeans for our big girl pants. We couldn’t be more opposite, she and I. Some of you would think, “Well, opposites attract” - you’d be wrong. We’ve worked through the years to a place of acceptance and support that is coated with humor and tough love. She’s always been a 40 yr old stuck in a whatever-age-she-was-at-the-time’s body and I exist as the sister to bring comic relief and nonsense to her carefully arranged life. But her protectiveness and respect for her family is unmatched by anyone I have ever met. She is widely known for her smile and constantly takes you off guard when she trades in her pensive stare for a witty one-liner. My victories with her stem from how many abnormal acts I can talk her into doing (which is a lot). Although her life always seems to be enveloped in constant chaos she has a resilient way of finding the blessing and purpose in every day.

Derek- The brother-in-law. We have always wanted a boy in the family. Until Derek came, I was the closest thing to it and played the role accidentally when it came to following dad around covered in grease. Derek or “the trainee” as I so lovingly like to refer to him, is carefully walking the line between finding his new family quirky and loveable and… crazy. It’s not a secret (or won’t be for long) that I play a rough game of tough love and hard-ass. As he works at earning every inch, he is finding our humorous and good-intentioned family a place where he belongs. As with every boy, he has his set-backs, but I think we will find that if he can handle us, he can handle anything. We all have to give him some credit for sticking with it and not to mention he contributed 50% of himself to my favorite treasure… my nephew.

Blane- Who knew the above two could create such a nugget of perfection. He is 4 and already such a wonderful human being! It’s all happening so fast! He seems to fit in juuussstt fine and already spends most of his time organizing his cars and using sarcasm. (I have no clue where he got that from by the way). He is SO smart and SO sensitive and caring. He's not a huge fan of sharing with his brother, but hey, I'm 26 and I still don't have the sharing thing down.I spend most of my time imagining the days when I will be able to take him to do all of the things Shauna/the law won’t let him do. What are Aunts for anyway?

Brooks- AKA Mr. Snarky-pants.What a handful! He reminds me of myself as a monstrous child. He is, however, the most polite little snark you'll ever meet. His adorable pronunciations of things and his constant questions won't keep you mad for long. In his almost 2 years of life the only thing that can get him to sleep when he's having one of his meltdowns is my singing to him. Melt. My. Heart. He has SO MUCH personality and his voice has one volume. Loud. What an entertainer though. I could watch him for hours.

Hayley- You know that best friend in every movie that every girl wants? She’s wild, unpredictable, endlessly supportive, loving, hilarious, and driven and always finds an adventure out of a mere walk down the street. She vocalizes things most people just think, finds people she encounters fascinating and always makes time for everyone. Well… not to brag, but that’s my best friend Hayley. She is my conscience, my support, my free therapist, my teacher, my patience. No one loves life more. She is constantly challenging herself, improving herself, keeping an open mind about everyone and their beliefs and is never afraid to admit when she just “doesn’t know”.She is currently engaged to someone who literally fits her so perfectly, I would gag if I didn’t love her so much and I wasn’t so grateful to God that she can be blessed in this way. A day without a thought, message or text from her is a day you have missed out on. Her Hayley-isms keep everyone guessing, laughing and appreciating her.

Charlotte- Charlotte, Charlotte, Charlotte… where do I begin with her? Think of the last person on earth you would ever imagine getting along with, understanding or appreciating… and then meet Charlotte. No one has taught me more than she has. In the past 4 years that I have known her, I have watched her go from a tough-as-nails, pessimistic, don’t-need-anyone, who-needs-a-direction type; to a goal-oriented, independent, selfless, thoughtful, hilarious, irreplaceable person in my life. Most people that interact with us agree that we should have our own reality show, but that usually leads into a fight about who would be the star. Her Puerto-Rican/Southie accent lends additional humor to whatever she is saying and makes you want to know her, if not, be her friend. As all roommates require, we have a routine that seems to work and although there are the moments we would like to kill each other, it’s hard to hold a grudge with someone who forgets what the issue was 30 seconds after it’s over. I thank God every day that I did not follow my instinct to run from her the day we met, but chose to stay and am grateful to be included in the people who get to watch her daily performance.

Lindey - Partner-in-crime doesn't even capture the things I have talked this girl into doing with me. She's the Bonnie to my Clyde. We go wayyyy back. Back to the days of dances, horrible bangs, skipping class and going to each others' sporting events. Life eventually got rough (as it tends to do) and we broke up... (any "we were on a break, Friends fans?"). However, we found our way back to each other, picked up right where we left off and I wouldn't have it any other way. I still cannot believe we're allowed to be grown-ups. And even though she is one of the most amazing mothers ever, I still have SUCH a hard time believing she is a wife and is a mother of two! She's literally super-woman and I'm just blessed to be in her presence. Whether I have an awful impulse to do something dumb or a thought out impulse to conquer the world, she always supports me. I've never been so proud to be friends with someone who grew so seamlessly with me from immature tweens to grown-ups with joys and struggles. Since moving back home to PA, she has been my backbone and I'm so lucky to be a part of her life and beautiful family.

Joyce- It’s funny to think of our relationship at its beginning. As hard as it may be to be intimidated by someone with such an infectious warmth and laughter, there I was. She found me as a young student and gave me an opportunity that I didn’t even know I would rise to. As my supervisor, mentor and leader, our relationship only evolved out of the uncanny similarities that we share and perhaps by her nature of wide-acceptance. To this day, I owe her thanks for my full-time job, my Graduate Student status, comic relief from daily struggles, her constant support and much more. There are no two other people on earth that can cover more random topics than she and I can in 20 minutes. She’s almost angelic in her care, concern, empathy and support for others. Anyone who places us both on the same committee or even in the same room usually appreciate our productivity and similar thinking, but also regrets our A.D.D tendencies, our need for constant sugar and our inability to stay on topic. She is truly someone that has blessed my life.

Melissa- Melissa is the the best part of any day she and I get to interact. Her resemblance to a beautifully formed porcelain doll should not be mistaken for instability or frailty. At first, second and third glance you realize how selfless and sensitive she is to everyone, while still maintaining an instinct to preserve her charming and carefully formed life. Her work-ethic guides her tendency to be hard on herself while always keeping in mind her priorities. Most would describe her as shy and introverted, but those who get the great pleasure of getting to know her, quickly find that her wit and sarcasm are hidden jewels that immediately inspire and comfort. She also just got married in the most beautiful ceremony in the most beautiful place. Everything was perfect and so... "Melissa". I am forever grateful to her that I was able to share in her day.

Renata - A new addition to the family, who easily fits in anywhere like the perfect accent to any outfit you have and think to yourself "what would put this over the top?" She is a whirlwind of laughter, wisdom, care, cheerleader and intellect. I almost forgot to add her because I forgot she wasn't always listed here. I feel like I've known her forever. Like that old soul that felt like it was never missing, because you can't remember the last time it was. She seemed to have entered my life at a time when I most needed the words only she can phrase and the support and laughter only she can offer. She is literally the reason I haven't committed a crime at work and puts me in check daily about my expectations and my hopes. She inspires me to trust what I know and dig deeper into what I question. Any day without an interaction is a day I haven't laughed hysterically or thoroughly looked into my moon-sign. You're a rockstar Tutko.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Lessons in Detouring

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